funny - Mother of Xander

February 14, 2014

The unromantic Valentine’s Day post aka Public Service Announcement for the Clueless

I originally had no intention to write a Valentine’s Day post because I’m really very unromantic and PDA aka Public Display of Affection is not my thing. So please note that this is not a romantic post. Think of it as a Public Service Announcement for the Clueless.

Today is Valentine’s Day and Eastern Valentine’s Day and Chap Goh Meh‚ (last day of Chinese New Year). If you love to dig into lo hei/yusheng, today will be a good day to buy the kits from the supermarkets before they are all gone. If you are married/attached/single, you might want to read on.

For the forgetful ones

Dropping hints around the house. — I dunno how you can miss this little note.

YOU are a Forgetful One if:

1. You wonder why your loved ones put adorable “I Love You” notes on the mirror in your toilet, on your laptop screen, on your car dashboard.

2. You wonder why at 2300 hours your usually sweet and gentle angel’s face so black and scary, or why she kept slamming the door or why she is gripping the scissors so tightly in her pale pale hands.

Hello? Today is Valentine’s Day! But have no fear. There is always good old 24 hours Mustafa Centre.

Jewellery Section At Mustafa Centre — For all budgets and all level of troubles you might have landed yourself into and need to get out of quick.

They are very considerate to place the “Oh-shit-I-am-in-so-much-trouble-get-me-out-of-it-quick” / “I’m Sorry Department” / The Jewellery Department strategically next to the escalator in the new wing. TWO FLOORS, for all budgets and for all levels of sorry-ness. Just hide the receipts, price tag, plastic bag and the cable ties. Please note that if you do need to go to this section, they are only open from 8.30am to 1.00am daily. If you reach there at 0101, you are shit out of luck, buddy. Better just head upstairs to the Home Department and buy yourself a pillow because someone is going to sleep outside the house tonight.

For the sad single ones

When loneliness hits you, there is always the Boyfriend/Girlfriend Pillow. If you swing both ways, BUY BOTH!

Kurt and Santana on Glee — “Kurt, you gave my boyfriend pillow a sex change. That’s so sweet.”

Yes, I’m not kidding. It exists!

Or for the gentlemen who prefer something different…

Hizamakura Lap Pillow — A little creepy but I won’t judge. Whatever rocks your boat.

For the ones who need to send a special message to “The Ex”

1. Do not vandalize his/her car. Work off that energy at the gym and whack the living daylights out of your personal instructor instead.

No. Please don’t do this. You don’t want to be made famous via Stomp.

2. Do not mail your body parts to him/her.

Crazy ass girl's tattoo — Why would anyone ink this on their body in the 1st place?

I don’t advocate violence but this is one message this young lady’s ex will not forget. Warning: image is very graphic. Please do not be eating bak kwa when you see it unless you don’t want to eat bak kwa for a while.

For the mentally sound and folks who don’t mind reading warm fuzzy feel good posts about love

14-for-14th — By the guys from Daddy Matters

I erm… *cough* particularly enjoyed post #8.

The need to lavish an obscene amount of money on your partner is really a product of clever marketing companies. If you really love that someone, why stop at 1 day? You should be doing it everyday right? If you “last minute hug Buddha’s leg” (trans: 临时抱佛脚) I am very sure your clever partner will see right through you and be triplely mad.

Relax folks. Go eat your regular plate of hor fun and chwee kueh at the hawker centre with pride. There is no shame in not celebrating V Day today.

February 8, 2014

You know you are about to pop when…

Hello? Anybody there? — I stole this picture from The Husband’s Instagram. He was checking if his sister was awake.

The cashcard In-Vehicle UnitÂ seems like a mile away from your steering wheel.
Your belly starts to steer the wheel for you.*
You can no longer see the front of your car when you drive up a multi storey carpark.
You pray for big open parking lots because you cannot weave through cars like Christy Cheung. Then again, I think nobody else can lah.
Squatting cubicles with no side handles scare you.
Filthy, wet squatting cubicles with no side handles terrify you so much you mutter “I cannot give birth here. I cannot give birth here” while you pee.
You make your mardder so nervous with the squatter toilet story, she DEMANDS you to bring a whistle along when you go pee. Had to remind her that the handphone is easier and can call The Husband to break into the cubicle much faster than the whistle.
When doing laundry, the detergent dispenser drawer (on a front loader) is a deadly weapon.
When getting dressed, the reflection of your enormous belly shocked you into tears. “Am I going to explode today?”
You have to lasso your underwear to your leg in order to put it on.
After you lasso one leg in, you take 1 more min to lift the other leg through the other hole without tripping over yourself.
You have trouble wiping/scratching/inspecting your ass.
You hoist your belly up with your hands as you walk up 2 miserable steps. This would be fine if you are expecting multiples. Very dramatic sight when there is only 1 tenant in your belly.
You have trouble rolling yourself out of bed.
Crocs sandals are the best thing since Justin Timberlake’s SNL Single Ladies performance. To me at least.
You no longer walk. You waddle.
People think you are taking a slow leisure walk when in reality you are Zumba-ing to the tune of Boom Boom Pow in your head.
The top portion of many of your clothes are always full of bits of food at the end of the day. Sometimes, you find food in your bra too.
You feel the need to scrub the toilets clean. Today. Now. At 3am.
You start to use your toes to pick up stuff you dropped on the floor.
You get really offended when people see you and say things like “WAH! SO BIG AH! You sure only 1 inside?”, “WAH! Must be anytime now ah?” Basically anything that starts with WAH will make me want to throw my shoe at the fella if I could bend that low to get it.
Your butt hurts when you sit anywhere or lie anywhere.
When your child tries to seek solace by running towards you to try bury his face into your belly, he end up bouncing away, holding his nose in pain.

I’m not complaining. Just sayin’…

*Disclaimer: I don’t let my belly drive me around. Seats can be moved back you know? I’m a very safe driver, just swears a little too much.

April 17, 2013

Wordless Wednesday: From Zero to Ten, the Lao Hiao Version

This hilarious video from Malaysia has been making its rounds in Facebook and even sneaked its way into our private SMB wall. So hilarious until someone suggested we do our own version of Zero to Ten.

Thankfully, I wasn’t the only one who is mad enough to want to do it. This is my version. I am lousy at ‘self take’ photos, always have a body part missing in the pictures so I made The Husband take the photos for me and my son, too. Lao Hiao in action again!

The Zero to Ten Linky!

Join the Zero to Ten linky, now on till the end of this month! Highlight the following code, right-click to copy and paste it at the bottom of your Zero to Ten post! Then add your link here to share the love some more!

<a href="http://motherof.xander.sg/wordless-wednesday-from-zero-to-ten-the-lao-hiao-version/" target="_blank" ><img src="http://motherof.xander.sg/wp-content/uploads/sites/3/2013/04/zero-to-ten-200x200.jpg" alt="" /></a>

[inlinkz id = 1]

Linking up with:

November 30, 2012

Another year has passed and we haven’t killed each other: Photo edition

A continuation from the previous post on Monday.

What’s an anniversary post without some flashback photos?

2006: At the Registry of Marriages (ROM)

The photographer was a close friend of mine and because of that, we were very comfortable in front of the lens. Maybe a bit too comfortable. Ha!

2008: Wedding dinner at Grand Shanghai.

I’m not going to bore you with many yum yum yum seng photos. Just 1 photo from the morning and some from the dinner will do. Why? Because all wedding dinner photos are the same and I don’t feel like showing you sia suay photos of my friends here. I reserve them for moments when I need to blackmail them for something. *rubs hands together deviously*

Note: the last 4 words were supplied by The Husband who say I should credit him “Co-written by Winston Tay”. THERE! There’s your credit mention. *rolleyes*

Master Zheng taking his morning stroll with his lovely bride.

I love my kua you know? I LOVEEE my rented kua. It’s so red and so cheena. I LOVE IT! You can’t tell from the photos but the kua made me very ill that night. The weight of all the embroidery sitting on me for so many hours in the blazing hot sun made me dizzy and nauseous. By the time we went back to the hotel to rest before the dinner, I was running a high fever and delirious from the fever meds. Oh yes, did I mention I was also about 4 months pregnant and due for a keyhole procedure for my endometriosis the night after the dinner? It was a crazy day. Sapu all the drama into one night.

We rolled into restaurant to the tune of Jajambo by the live band.

The rickshaw was not part of the restaurant’s decor. My sisters and brother-in-laws borrowed it (and also decorated it) from one of their clients especially for the night. When they heard about the dinner theme week prior, they immediately went and made arrangements to bring the rickshaw there with the manager’s approval of course. I have to say lah, we managed to make the stoic but professional manager smile quite a bit that night. It was a dizzy, noisy and happy night for everybody that night.

2008: Studio shoot at some ching cheong photo studio in Jurong.

A must-have among many Asian couples. My eldest sister paid for the expensive album as a wedding gift to the 2 of us. My childhood dream of wearing a large poofy dress was finally realized! Excited! We did the shoot a few weeks before the wedding dinner and started at around 9am, ended around 10pm. Since it was not an exclusive all day session, we had to wait around while they take on other clients in between takes. Throughout the whole day, I was determined not to drink more than 1 cup of water because I didn’t want to pee in the big poofy dress inside the tiny dirty public toilet waaaaaaaay outside the studio. I was starving and had a super sore stiff neck during the shoot. I couldn’t turn my head at all without ~~screaming~~ laughing out in pain that’s why some of the poses looked so er… regal. Outdoor running in the fields shots were out of the question so we made full use of the studio session as best we could. Lucky for us, the makeup artist and photographer were very friendly and accommodating. The 12 hour session could have been such a pain in the neck. Pun intended.

Some more here…

I loved that gold dress. I can outrun you for the bus in that thing.

The “lingering look” pose took the photographer about 2 minutes to shift my head in order to look natural.

Then the poses got a little interesting.

The Husband started to rummage through their accessory baskets for ‘props’.

And finally…

A lot of the staff from the studio stayed behind to watch Winston transform into Winnie instead of going home immediately. They were amazed. Lady boss instructed her wardrobe team to dig out large size, corset style white gowns with capped sleeves for him to choose. She kept asking if he was serious and The Man kept replying her ä½ æœ‰æˆ‘çš„sizeæˆ‘å½“ç„¶æ•¢ï¼She kept exclaiming during the makeup session å•Šå“Ÿï¼è¦æ»å•Šï¼ä½ æœ‰å‡¤çœ¼çš„å•Šï¼å¥½æ¼‚äº®å•Šï¼

So how? What do you think of my bride? Seksi hor? Leave a comment or two can?

Have a great weekend! 🙂