The unromantic Valentine’s Day post aka Public Service Announcement for the Clueless

I originally had no intention to write a Valentine’s Day post because I’m really very unromantic and PDA aka Public Display of Affection is not my thing. So please note that this is not a romantic post. Think of it as a Public Service Announcement for the Clueless.

Today is Valentine’s Day and Eastern Valentine’s Day and Chap Goh Meh‚ (last day of Chinese New Year). If you love to dig into lo hei/yusheng, today will be a good day to buy the kits from the supermarkets before they are all gone. If you are married/attached/single, you might want to read on.

For the forgetful ones

I dunno how you can miss this little note.

YOU are a Forgetful One if:

1. You wonder why your loved ones put adorable “I Love You” notes on the mirror in your toilet, on your laptop screen, on your car dashboard.

2. You wonder why at 2300 hours your usually sweet and gentle angel’s face so black and scary, or why she kept slamming the door or why she is gripping the scissors so tightly in her pale pale hands.

Hello? Today is Valentine’s Day! But have no fear. There is always good old 24 hours Mustafa Centre.

For all budgets and all level of troubles you might have landed yourself into and need to get out of quick.

They are very considerate to place the “Oh-shit-I-am-in-so-much-trouble-get-me-out-of-it-quick” / “I’m Sorry Department” / The Jewellery Department strategically next to the escalator in the new wing. TWO FLOORS, for all budgets and for all levels of sorry-ness. Just hide the receipts, price tag, plastic bag and the cable ties. Please note that if you do need to go to this section, they are only open from 8.30am to 1.00am daily. If you reach there at 0101, you are shit out of luck, buddy. Better just head upstairs to the Home Department and buy yourself a pillow because someone is going to sleep outside the house tonight.

For the sad single ones

When loneliness hits you, there is always the Boyfriend/Girlfriend Pillow. If you swing both ways, BUY BOTH!

“Kurt, you gave my boyfriend pillow a sex change. That’s so sweet.”

Yes, I’m not kidding. It exists!

The Boyfriend Pillow®
Girlfriend Body Pillow

Or for the gentlemen who prefer something different…

A little creepy but I won’t judge. Whatever rocks your boat.

For the ones who need to send a special message to “The Ex”

1. Do not vandalize his/her car. Work off that energy at the gym and whack the living daylights out of your personal instructor instead.

No. Please don’t do this. You don’t want to be made famous via Stomp.

2. Do not mail your body parts to him/her.

Why would anyone ink this on their body in the 1st place?

I don’t advocate violence but this is one message this young lady’s ex will not forget. Warning: image is very graphic. Please do not be eating bak kwa when you see it unless you don’t want to eat bak kwa for a while.

For the mentally sound and folks who don’t mind reading warm fuzzy feel good posts about love

By the guys from Daddy Matters

I erm… *cough* particularly enjoyed post #8.

The need to lavish an obscene amount of money on your partner is really a product of clever marketing companies. If you really love that someone, why stop at 1 day? You should be doing it everyday right? If you “last minute hug Buddha’s leg” (trans: 临时抱佛脚) I am very sure your clever partner will see right through you and be triplely mad.

Relax folks. Go eat your regular plate of hor fun and chwee kueh at the hawker centre with pride. There is no shame in not celebrating V Day today.

 

 

You know you are about to pop when…

I stole this picture from The Husband’s Instagram. He was checking if his sister was awake.
  1. The cashcard In-Vehicle Unit seems like a mile away from your steering wheel.
  2. Your belly starts to steer the wheel for you.*
  3. You can no longer see the front of your car when you drive up a multi storey carpark.
  4. You pray for big open parking lots because you cannot weave through cars like Christy Cheung. Then again, I think nobody else can lah.
  5. Squatting cubicles with no side handles scare you.
  6. Filthy, wet squatting cubicles with no side handles terrify you so much you mutter “I cannot give birth here. I cannot give birth here” while you pee.
  7. You make your mardder so nervous with the squatter toilet story, she DEMANDS you to bring a whistle along when you go pee. Had to remind her that the handphone is easier and can call The Husband to break into the cubicle much faster than the whistle.
  8. When doing laundry, the detergent dispenser drawer (on a front loader) is a deadly weapon.
  9. When getting dressed, the reflection of your enormous belly shocked you into tears. “Am I going to explode today?”
  10. You have to lasso your underwear to your leg in order to put it on.
  11. After you lasso one leg in, you take 1 more min to lift the other leg through the other hole without tripping over yourself.
  12. You have trouble wiping/scratching/inspecting your ass.
  13. You hoist your belly up with your hands as you walk up 2 miserable steps. This would be fine if you are expecting multiples. Very dramatic sight when there is only 1 tenant in your belly.
  14. You have trouble rolling yourself out of bed.
  15. Crocs sandals are the best thing since Justin Timberlake’s SNL Single Ladies performance. To me at least.
  16. You no longer walk. You waddle.
  17. People think you are taking a slow leisure walk when in reality you are Zumba-ing to the tune of Boom Boom Pow in your head.
  18. The top portion of many of your clothes are always full of bits of food at the end of the day. Sometimes, you find food in your bra too.
  19. You feel the need to scrub the toilets clean. Today. Now. At 3am.
  20. You start to use your toes to pick up stuff you dropped on the floor.
  21. You get really offended when people see you and say things like “WAH! SO BIG AH! You sure only 1 inside?”, “WAH! Must be anytime now ah?” Basically anything that starts with WAH will make me want to throw my shoe at the fella if I could bend that low to get it.
  22. Your butt hurts when you sit anywhere or lie anywhere.
  23. When your child tries to seek solace by running towards you to try bury his face into your belly, he end up bouncing away, holding his nose in pain.
Who knows what really goes on inside?

I’m not complaining. Just sayin’…

*Disclaimer: I don’t let my belly drive me around. Seats can be moved back you know? I’m a very safe driver, just swears a little too much.