Will you still love me tomorrow?

Some weeks back, my mum, my auntie and I visited my grandparents at both the Choa Chu Kang Columbarium as well as the Mandai Columbarium. Gone were the days where we had to trek through hundreds of graves to find my Ah Ma and Ah Gong in the blazing hot sun while carrying bags of food offerings and other essential prayer offerings. Their remains were relocated to the columbariums a few years ago and since then, the rituals have now become a lot simpler and faster. This left us plenty of time to rest and chit chat a bit before we pack up for the next destination.

At the Mandai Columbarium, I decided to talk a closer look at my grandparent’s “neighbours” while my mum and auntie rest and catch up on news about their other siblings. Over the years as folks grew more affluent, the style of the memorial plaques have become fancier. There are still the typical looking black and white photographs but I also saw the rising trend of using really nice wedding photos of the couple instead of 2 individual photos. *note to self, find nice wedding photo to use on my memorial plaque*

At that moment, something caught my attention and I walked towards a relatively new niche. There was a piece of paper pasted on one side of it and on the paper was a face drawn by a child. Why I say that was because the picture was similar to the many Xan would draw for us at home and when he was at school. I can only assumed it was a picture drawn by a child for his/her daddy. Then I turned around and saw another doodle on another niche presumably from a grandchild to his/her beloved grandfather. I couldn’t look any further because I could feel myself about to burst into tears thinking about the children who had lost their loved ones so soon and them sending their love through their little works of art. I recomposed myself and joined my mum and auntie for a bit before I drove them home.

Since we had a little bit of time to spare before we pick Xan up from school, The Husband and I decided to have a cup of coffee and chat a bit about my morning at the columbariums. The conversation started fine until I went on to describe and compare the doodles to the ones Xan draws from time to time. I started to cry uncontrollably and The Husband at first shocked also teared up. He had to get up and give me a firm hug just to calm me down.

I started to think if I were to kick the bucket now, would Xan leave me lovely doodles like this? Will he miss me? Will he still remember me when he grows up and have his own family? Will I even know he missed me or not? He’s not even 5 yet so will these 5 years of memory be enough for him to remember his mummy forever? Have we created enough memories with him for him? Don’t get me started on thinking about losing any one of my family members. I really don’t want to think about it for now.

 

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12 thoughts on “Will you still love me tomorrow?

  1. 🙁 thats why I keep reminding myself to enjoy them now, despite all the crazy things they do. So that if (choi!) I go, they will remember me as a loving mum and not crazy beech on wheels

  2. I reduce myself into a puddle of tears when I start thinking about death of people close to me. Don’t even get me started on death of kids! And when on one Valentine’s Day, we went to see PS I Love You where the husband died and left his widow love notes to find through the year, I was depressed and cried and cried!

  3. Aiyaa… you just made me tear up!

    No. Xan will NOT leave you those doodles, because he still needs you to help him get through life. You will know when it’s time to go, because as Mums, we will fight to live, no matter what it takes, especially for our children.

    One day, as all of us have to return from where we came from. But from now till then, we will laugh a lot, smile a lot, take lao hiao shots, and just live.

    Put it this way. I’m sure he will leave more than just doodles. A part of him will always be with you.

  4. Liza, as someone who has cremated 3 of my babies and visits their niche at Mandai regularly, the concept of death is never far away nor taboo…your thoughts upon seeing the image of the child’s drawing of his departed daddy is a haunting one…that’s what made me tear. There are many evidences which express deeply grieved losses of loved ones gone too soon (premature babies, young kids, promising teens)……Just last week, a good family friend of ours just sent David an sms which reads, ‘I have stage 4 lung cancer…doc says 8 more months…’ We were stunned and momentarily didn’t know how to reply. Life is too fragile and fleeting…we should all make each day count and hug our kids tight when we still have the chance to…and leave them a legacy which makes them proud to call us their Mom.

  5. I would tear too if I see these little drawings from kids 🙁

    We have discussed death before, and my Mrs share my sentiments. The worst nightmare for me would be trying to imagine how our Love ones carry on Living, after our own passing.

    regards, Andy (SengkangBabies)

  6. That’s why we write our blog right? so that they will remember that we love them even if we’re gone. And that’s also why i always tell them that I love them n kiss n hug them all the time.

  7. The fear of my children not knowing their mommy, should I pass on earlier than I expect, is one of the reasons why I blog about every little thing in their lives, whenever possible. I will squeeze time out, even if it means sleeping less, to write down and put up photos of even the most mundane of things. In a way, I’m comforting myself. I tell myself that my blog will be what my children can read back on, their early years spent with mommy – the years that they cannot remember at all.

  8. I’m reading this now while having my lunch, and you made me well up with tears! This post hit my raw nerves, cos I just lost a close relative last year and he left behind his wife and 2 little ones. My 5-year-old boy said to me some time ago, “Mummy, if you die now, I will be very sad.” Man, that makes me cry. It’s true that life is fragile, so I want to live my life treasuring my loved ones.

  9. I catch myself thinking about this quite often, like what if the husband left us or what happens if it happens to me instead, who will look after the kids and will they remember me? We cannot avoid death, but we can make the best of what we have now. 🙂

  10. Zee says:

    Your post made me tear too 🙁 I think death has always been scary but I agree it’s not so much the fear of dying but rather, the thought of leaving the people you love behind! That’s what I cannot let go of! Hope you’re feeling better.

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